Thoughts From This Wandering Heart: PT. 1

Over the years of travel I’ve run into a couple of issues.


– To open your heart to someone means that when you leave them, the love you’ve given will be missing, a common feeling in the broken hearted, and it will take time to refill.
?- Should you open your heart when you know you will leave?
?- Should you open yourself up to the idea that you’ll never leave when you know you will? Give of yourself entirely? Open up completely?
?- When you leave what do you do with the pain? Suppress or subdue? Try to forget?
– But if the memory is life changing you don’t want to do either. You want to live in the memories, but at the same time it breaks your heart while your there, because It’s all a dream, an illusion.

“I want to be open about it all, but I’m scared to open up these wounds again.”

– How are you supposed to tell a friend that you care about deeply you have to shut down now to protect yourself from the pain that will follow? How can I explain to my new friends that I care about them, appreciate them, thank God for them, while at the same time holding so much dread and sadness that soon I won’t be with them. Ill be gone. I won’t see their faces, hear them speaking their languages that I can’t understand or be around their laughter and smiles. Ill be gone.

“Everywhere I go I never forget their faces… Some people may envy the life of a traveling rover, but be content with the home you have, because finding home for them is like finding a four leaf clover.”

Where can I go where I can have phone numbers on speed dial to call up some people and get together? I rarely had that in Maine with people around my age, from my youth until now. Everywhere I go it seems like I have to go somewhere else to meet people. I don’t know maybe I’m blind to what I have.

I was just invited into someone’s life, into a group of friends. This person thought enough of our friendship to plan an event that had to do with a dream on my heart. And people responded… People responded. So much support.

I must never forget that the support that people have in one community, one town, I have spread out all over the world. God why? Why do I long for community and mine is in different countries, continents, time zones, cities, towns, oceans? Have I done this to myself? Have you done this for a reason? Am I supposed to be seeing something in this? I don’t want you to just tell me, but please show me the answer. Help me to understand. I don’t want to stay here sitting in limbo.

But I will continue to move forward even when I don’t fully understand, because you are certainly doing something in all of this. Something bigger than just me. Just show me as I walk. Show me as I move.

“If you don’t move, you won’t go anywhere” Mga Dayo









2 thoughts on “Thoughts From This Wandering Heart: PT. 1

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